Jackie, the illusionist

I met her not far from the bar I liked to visit for the free glass giveaways. I parked my car about a half mile away since it wasn’t a glass giveaway night but it was freezing, so I hated myself for parking so far in the heart of winter. She was sitting on a bench, waiting for the FSU night bus when I noticed her. We were wearing the exact same wool cap, in bright red. A better opportunity to talk to a girl has never happened to come together so smoothly for me. I told her the story of how I found mine, in a soon-to-be derelict thift store in Virginia. They were jammed into the pocket of a pair of slacks I was trying on to replace the ones I had thrown up on the week before as I dressed up as black James Bond for the third time in my life. Eventually, we got to talking about our night, how we were both at the bar, but didn’t notice each other. Turns out her friend bailed on her to go fuck her boyfriend in the car. I figured we had a good vibe, I asked her if she wanted a ride out of here and she came along.

Jackie was a small person, but could command tremendous attention and make sure everyone around her knew that she couldn’t be pushed around. “You wouldn’t want to challenge drunk Jackie,” she would say, half joking and half serious. Just the way that she made herself known at a party for downs on beer pong was exciting for me. I could smoke with her and listen to this girl talk all day, she was completely different from what I was used to and how I operated.

She loved beer as much as I do and had the balls I didn’t have for arguing. Despite this, she still melted in my hands after we became intimate. Things stuck out to me, like the way she called me “baby” when she asked me to dim the light in her bathroom which she left on for her cats, our conversation about cheaply made beef jerky, or how she told me that I was sexy. I felt a calm excitement about her, and felt like a more adventurous self for being with her.

Molly, the trojan horse

Found this little gem in my collection of unfinished entries. I was quite upset:

In past relationships, I can recall the times when I noticed the shift change in the mood go from happy to completely upset. I remember the way it brings down everything, but this is nothing new. When isn’t there a time where I’m absolutely crushed? I feel like my life can be studied by the chapters of the way my love life has slowly been buried. These stories of heartbreak are all too real, I can’t believe how frequently this happens. Is my luck so bad that I can only find the briefest of happiness?

I can understand it when people write deep, meaningful things during the darkest parts of life. It’s a humbling feeling to allow an experience to shape yourself into a stronger person. It’s also a challenge, because you have to look inside the complexity of things. Take allowing someone close to your heart, just to be let down in the end. It could be years later, weeks or hours before you’ve moved on. It’s tough to experience that multiple times and, quite literally, have the heart to stand back up to give someone else a try. Because this cycle could potentially continue forever, there’s no guarantee if it’s worth fighting the urge to just lie down and give up. I am in a tough spot, because as much as I’d like to give someone else a shot, my recent relapse into heart-break with Molly has forced me into boarding up my doors and windows again.

A Transition

I’ve become bored and unmotivated from my usual take on this blog. For a while, I’ve been considering closing it up or moving it on to more broad subjects. A few months ago, I tried the latter, but it didn’t work out. I wanted to take the blog to different directions at the same time. I would have panned it out and brought in my interests in music, technology, my life as an undergrad, and all the things in between. I don’t think I can excite myself enough to write about all those different things. Maybe, in the future, but the other thing is, I hardly have an audience. Instead, I will be breaking off the technology idea as a separate blog with two or three good friends and have decided to take this blog to a specific subject: heart break.

I’ve written about my stories of heart break in the past, so much so that I have a direct link at the top of the site. These stories are true, but I rewrite a good portion of the story to conceal identities and give my writing mind some freedom in creation. In writing these, I have exercised my writing more than any other post. Because of that, I’ll be devoting most, if not all, of these posts on this site (or maybe another) to stories of heart break. This is not an original idea, however. I was moved by a similar blog called “heartbrokedaily” and since I first read some of Knox’s (the author) stories, I wanted to try my hand at my own.

So, keep an eye out. I won’t be making them daily posts, but I will be making them weekly or bi-weekly.

Is Anyone There?

A while ago, I stopped getting the urge to write. I don’t think it had to do with any particular event, and if it did, it wasn’t significant enough for me to remember it at this point. I’d check wordpress every now and then, entertain the idea of writing a short post for the hell of it, and then ultimately let Future Terence write something when he’s feeling up to it. Future Terence has arrived, it seems, and I think I owe it to reading. This is just a guess, but I think that the more I read, the more likely I am to write. At times, it’s also when I’m feeling down, but today it seems to stem from the book I just picked up.

As much as I hate to admit it, this book is pretty interesting. It’s a book called Kokoro by Soseki, written in 1914 and it’s required reading for my Japanese history class. It’s a really, really, really long book consisting of 110 chapters (not including intros and other stuff), so I may not finish it by the time our final exam rolls around next Thursday. But it’s interesting, and I’ve started writing again so it’s a win-win. The only problem is that I’m reading it on my phone because I decided to go with the e-book since it wouldn’t ship in time. Not so bad, really, just small.

Read on to see what my shitty semester’s been like!

A Vocal Weekend

My week pretty much ended Thursday afternoon last week. I did have a test to prepare for which would take place at 12:20pm, but I really wasn’t in the caring mood. I know I mentioned giving everything 110%, but this particular week I just wanted a break and some whiskey.

It started with plans to run a muck at the bar/club Bullwinkles, or Bulls for short. It was $7 all you can drink, not top shelf night, but oh well. Drink I did, met some very drunk people, and knew it was time to stop drinking when I dropped my cup (plus, I wasn’t going to go pick it up). Whiskey and cola was the drink of choice between my friends and I, and we ordered random shots of whatever Trish, or bartender, cared to feed us with. Yelling was the only form of communication, so my voice had to deal with the only available drink, which isn’t the preferred choice. While there, I logged into my wordpress account and made a draft called, “The Big Spike” and wrote an odd message to myself. I only found this when I checked Saturday night and the word confused does not even begin to illustrate my emotions towards the discovery. Needless to say, that wasn’t the only weird event that happened at Bulls. I’m pretty sure one of the regular visitors to my store was hitting on me in the line for the bathroom. Yep, a male. I’m not completely sure though, as I was on my way to drunk town.

On Friday, I woke up to several blaring alarms and an unhappy body. I could feel the mini-hangover deep in my gut, and tried my best to subdue it with the last of my coffee and plenty of water. It wasn’t enough, though, and I had to really dig deep to study for my Japanese test that was about to take place. I eventually gave up, accepted the fact that it’d be a mediocre score, and tried to relax as I made my way to class. I finished the test early, skipped a section, and completely shanked another for a total of 14 lost points (out of 50). But hey, I did really well on the other stuff, surprisingly. I also had a presentation to do in Japanese for another class but I got a lucky break, as class got redirected at the last minute to do something else. That really made my day take off, cause later, I’d top it off with karaoke.